Take that, ‘eh’!

In a break between two of my classes today, I decided to take one of those job aptitude tests. Why? Because I graduate from college in May with nothing but an AS degree in General Studies (AKA a stepping point to a degree of some kind. Not useful for any job alone. That I know of anyway.) and I still have nothing I want to be other than an author.

It’s good to dream though, right? That’s what I’ve told myself ever since I can remember. Dream big, achieve your goals! It just doesn’t seem nearly as possible whenever you feel as though you’re dying when you see the bill for the cheap college you go to.

I’m still a kid in most people’s eyes. I’m only 19. I’m unbelievably innocent. That doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I need a job. I can still shoot for my dream, but I need food on the table whenever I’m living on my own. Guaranteed food is a good thing! Right?

So I took one of those personality job test… things. 484 questions of pure torture.

Q. 432: You avoid social situations.

A. Strongly applies to me.

B. Kind of applies to me.

C. Does, or does not apply to me.

D. Doesn’t really apply to me.

E. Does not apply to me at all.

Answer: A

Now these aren’t the exact answers, but you get the basic idea.

Nearly every single one of the questions had me choosing the extreme, introverted sounding option. I’m an introvert. I’m a book worm. I’m an ex home schooled geek. I want to write for a living. It was a very depressing quiz that had me pressing the negative sounding option to each answer there was.

And just guess what job it said I would be most suited for!

An author.

Now this didn’t surprise me much. I’ve taken these tests many times since I was around 13 and was first told I needed a ‘real job’. I always get the same answer. What surprised me was the rest of the results.

The site listed a bunch of things and had an x on the box next to it that indicated my probable ability to do the job. Everything, and I mean everything, was equal to, or less than the box I like to call ‘Eh’. The box that isn’t good, or isn’t bad. The one you click whenever you take an opinion questionare and have no idea what the answer should be. The opinion right in the middle.

Including the writing. It was the ‘eh’ one. The best possibility for my life.

Granted, I know it’s just a stupid 480whatever test off of the internet and really holds little scientific value over my life, but it really disappointed me. I apparently am not very good at anything according to this, and only have one probable option. A very boring and unsocial individual who hides from humans like a vampire hides from the sun.

Now the second one is only one with some truth. Yet it’s only halfway true. After all, if you talk to me, I’ll talk to you back! But if I don’t know you and you’re not paying attention to me… It’ll probably remain that way forever.

I think I’m interesting. Somewhat at least. I have many talents. Just they are all in the artsy, introverted field and don’t make much guaranteed rent money. I can play the piano, I can write decently enough, I can BS my way thorough any kind of essay with ease and have no idea what it was about, I can play the flute, and I can… um… crochet a chain stitch?

I’m young. Hope hasn’t run out for me yet. I have a decent job. I nearly have my associates degree.

AND I CAN DREAM!

Take that, ‘eh’!

One Week of Failure

This past week, I completely failed at my resolution/goal/thing. You know, the one to write every day? The one I didn’t even make (to loose weight) is going quite well. But, the one I care about more than the poofiness of my belly isn’t happening.

In my defense, school started this past week. I’m only taking 12 hours, too. That’s the least amount of hours I have ever taken in college. Already I’m having little anxiety attacks over the looming homework. I have to be an actual ‘leader’ in Business Leadership and seriously go out of my home to do social things. I’m a God damn follower people! A God damn follower with a social anxiety disorder! I swear, they plan on killing me.

The total writing amount for this past week probably added up to about an hour. I feel like a failure on it. After all, I want to be an author. Not only that, a full time author. Yet I can’t even write when life gets slightly hectic. So, right now as I go through random anxiety attacks and depression because my dreams temporarily are exploding in my face, I will decide that it’s not the end. One week of failure isn’t the end.

   “Let me let you in on a little secret. When you are learning to write, you are going to suck. You are going to suck a lot. You’re just going to keep sucking for a while, and feel like you’re sucking, and actually that’s a sign that you’re completely on the right path.” – Maureen Johnson

I’m not sure if failing to write counts as sucking at writing, but the quote gives me hope. I give myself permission to suck.

Random Update – Bye Bye Writer’s Cramp (School Edition)

I figured I would make a quick update. Classes started today, and as expected, I’m not dead. So far, it seems as though it will even be a good semester! Sucess! I have an old guy teacher for my geology class and lab who isn’t plotting my demise. He’s one of those teachers that will randomly go off onto a topic that got into his head about a fly. My other real life teacher is a newbie. As in this is her first day as a college teacher. Thank goodness she seems to be a sweetheart. Maybe she won’t decide to kill us all.

I’m a lucky person and can survive online classes. Quite well, I might add. So, the other two classes are online. The teachers don’t seem too terribly evil either. I think I will live! This is my first semester with less than 16 credit hours, and I’m so glad.

On another note. I can use my computer in these two classes. Finally! I can type my notes! Because I can type over 120 words per minute and it’s so much easier to take notes on my computer than a notebook. Oh writer’s cramp…

As for the update on my writing every day thing. It’s going pretty well. I’ve noticed a mark improvement in my writing and the ideas I get. The characters seem to be talking on their own again and I can actually see the setting as though I’m there. It’s been a good year since I’ve been able to lose myself in my writing and look up to see two hours have passed.

Another thing that’s been making me so excited is the fact that I have begun to get story ideas again. It feels awful to admit that the ideas had begun to go down slightly. Again, I’m getting them all the time.

Yes! Success!

College Anxiety… Last Semester Edition

My last semester of school starts Monday. I am terrified.

I used to love the start of every semester. However, this year comes with a sense of loosing myself all over again. Last semester, everything, and I mean everything, fell appart. My home life, my health, my grades, my writing, everything I held dear seemed to crumble in front of me. So now, I’m terrified.

It’s not as though it is school’s fault that I lost whatever was left of my mind last semester. I just feel as though whenever I walk into the main building of school and tell them I want to sign up for graduation that the lady will smirk and say something like; “You’re gonna have to work a whole lot harder than that to convince me that I should let you continue on with your miserable life.” Then, follow it with a perfect rendition of the “muahahahaha” from Thriller.

I’m finally beginning to feel more like myself too. My characters are becoming real again instead of some hinderance that I can’t get past, and the boundaries I face to achieve my dream aren’t quite so fuzzy. The only problem with that is some of the boundaries consist of my family. But that’s a completely different subject.

So basically, I’m going through the weekend biting through my lip one skin cell at a time and staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping at night. It’s like I’m waiting for immanent death. I know it’s illogical, but my anxiety doesn’t realize that. Maybe I’ll survive this week and be what I consider normal yet again!

Resolution

Resolution (n)

1. A firm decision to or not to do something.

I have never been one to make new years resolutions. Of course, I’ve always made the obvious ones – get thin, somehow achieve abs that show up, increase my freaky level by taking away the sugar in my vegetarian diet. The problem is, within a few days I have yet to change anything in my life.

I must not have very firm decisions to do things…

This year, I decided to try something that might actually make a difference. Something I care about much more than my flabby stomach or the fact that the diet things say sugar will be the death of me.

Let’s face it, I’ll continue being a lazy butt, and I will continue eating these pretzel, cheese, cracker… things.

However, if I start getting my dream career up and running, it would make a difference.

I’ve wanted to be an author for as long as I can remember. Every other job that appeared in my head was just a side thing, something that I’d probably abandon if I could ever pay the bills with my writing. Now with my AS degree within easy reach, I’ve pretty much given up on the other career option. There’s nothing that interests me in the least.

My new years resolution for this year is to write an hour every single day. If I really want this to be my career, I can’t sit at my computer with scrivener open in the background and Psych playing on Netflix. That simply does not count as writing.

I want to make writing every day a habit, something that I’ll end up doing even if finals get a choke hold on me or I’ve worked all day at the book store. So far, I’m not doing too shabby for a person who has problems making habits. I’ve gotten 3 out of the last 5 days. I count that as a moderate success. It’ll get better from here. After all, I’m creating a habit. That takes some effort.

Of course, I have other far fetched dreams to add on to my initial resolution, but the writing every day is mandatory.

I’d love to finish the book I’m working on right now. Completely. At least for me. Edited and ready to send to agents and publishers.

The most far fetched one I have is to find an agent. That takes time, and I know that. It also requires a book to be finished. One that I’m happy with. I’m not a fan of the previous books that I have completed. They need some drastic editing work. Considering they took my entire high school life to complete, the writing style and characters are all jumbled up into one big mess. So they sit on the back burner until I decide to rewrite them.

Finding an agent is just a far fetched goal for now. It would probably be more realistic for a goal for next year, but I tend to dream big.

Regardless, I will achieve my dream. I get sick if I don’t write frequently, and I feel amazing if I write every day. Let’s do this thing!