Peaceful Death

We all want to believe there is a place we go after we die. A better place. We use this to comfort us when loved ones die and on the fateful day when we move on as well.
In the past two weeks, I lost my adopted grandmother. She was the sweetest lady on this Earth. The very first day I met her, in fact, she told me she loved me. The thing is, she meant it too.
The day my boyfriend told me his grandmother died, I fell onto my grooming table in tears. It’ll be impossible to accept this lady’s death. But, she was constantly sick. Not just sick with the flu or something like that, she had pnenomia, could no longer walk, had to breathe with an oxygen tank, and could no longer leave the house.
She is in a much better place now. She can run with the best of them.
Today, I’m facing the death of a dog. It’s not my dog, it’s my future father in law’s dog. He’s 15 years old and has lived outside his whole life. For the past two weeks though, his body has begun to shut down. Today he can’t get up to do anything. When I try to hand feed him, he spits everything out. It’s the saddest thing! As I wait for his human daddy to come home from work and take over my vigil/deal with it, I’m left thinking about death.
I see it as a peaceful thing. Often, it’s after a huge and painful struggle that a person dies. Once it’s over, there’s no more pain.
So, if you would, pray for my adopted family and I as we mourn both the loss of this amazing hunting dog, and the sweetest grandmother ever. Even though I see death as a peaceful thing, it’s not an easy thing to accept for those left behind.

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Resolutions of 2014

The beginning of 2014 marks many things for me. One of them being that this blog is a year old. I started it as part of a new years resolution (that I really didn’t want to call that) to write an hour a day and find other writer friends on the internet. The first one was a ludicrous goal that I didn’t succeed at. The second one kind of worked.

This year, I’m going to give in and make resolutions. I’m not going to be afraid to call them that, either. Because 2013 sucked and I don’t feel like doing anything the same as last year.

So, without further ado, here are my resolutions. Both insane and feasible. 

1. Smash the insecurities!

    I smash because I despise them. They were the biggest hinderance of 2013 there was. I was hurt by many people I cared about this year and a list of insecurities that would fill up a bucket after being shredded to bits took over me. I can’t live with them. They’re going away. The end.

2. Smile!

    This one falls into place with the last one. I forgot how to smile for a long while this year. There’s not really another way to put it. I was miserable and I had no idea how to get out. Now that a smile is possible again, I never want to lose it. But I’m having problems getting it on my face as often as it was there last year…. I’d like to fix that. I’d love to be the happy person I was only a year ago.

3. Read 30 books this year.

   I’m not a particularly slow reader, but I’m not a speedy one. I want to read more. It’s the best stress relief ever for me. 30 books sounds possible for me, so I’m going to attempt it. I even discovered goodreads.com to help me with this goal. 

4. Finish writing two books. 

   I love to write. This one shouldn’t have to be a resolution. But it is. Because well, I have a problem with things like Netflix. 

5.  Keep room clean…

I like to think of myself as somewhat of a clean person. Then I look at my room and realize that’s a lie.

 

Those are the things I’d like to accomplish. Most of them seem somewhat dooable. Right? Well, I’m hoping so.

I wanted to thank all of my 50 stalkers for existing. I know there aren’t many who actually read these, and I know many of them don’t actually log in. It still makes me smile and gives me hope for the future. And for that, I wanted to give each and every one of you an internet hug – because hugs freak me out somewhat. Hugs take effort, people!

 

So, here’s to a much happier blog from me this year. Thank you for sticking with me, even though the insanity I called my life. You guys helped me through a lot. 

Happy 2014!

♥♡♥

Oklahoma Snow

Those who have been following me for a while now know that I like the snow. In fact, I kind of love it. It’s an (dangerous) adventure to drive in, it’s cold instead of 110 degrees, it’s pretty, and occasionally it creates lazy days. 

Why would anyone choose summer over this thing known as winter?

I’m not entirely sure, but I try to understand.

There’s a snow storm traveling across the US right now, and the first wave of it just left Oklahoma. It’s around 15 degrees outside today and the wind chill is in the single didgets. We Oklahomans are not used to this. At all. Everyone is acting as though the world just came to an end. Though, I’m enjoying it. A lot.

It’s just a bit cold to play in the snow. 

I tried anyway by taking pictures of the dogs. I froze my butt off and I would so do it again if my hair wasn’t wet from my shower.

This was the result of my freezing adventure:

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To Girls – A Breathing Problem

This is my message to all girls – myself included. It’s kind of a scolding to myself, but I’m sure others need to hear it as well.

 

 

BREATHE!

“No duh, Natalie…” You’re probably thinking. “I’d be dead if I wasn’t breathing.”

I mean breathe and calm down. Are you stressed out over your parents being idiots (ME!) or because your boyfriend isn’t texting? BREATHE.

As you probably guessed from the second part of that sentence, I forgot to breathe for a while. I don’t suggest that practice. It not only hurts yourself, but it hurts those around you. My boyfriend, as you can also guess by that part of the sentence, got the blunt end of it. But I think I caught my breathing problem on time.

Oh my I hope so…

The shortest way to tell that story is this; I’m turning 20. My friends are beginning to get engaged and they haven’t been dating nearly as long as us. I’ve been with him for 2 years. My home life has officially deteriorated into nothing. Grooming school was five days a week, from 8-5, and then I worked 5 days a week 5:30-10. Basically, I had no life for a few months. At all. 

I freaked out. Many many times. If he wasn’t texting, I’d worry a lot. If he wasn’t wanting to come see me that day as I hoped he would, I’d have a breakdown. We don’t live very close to each other. We live a good 45 minutes away from each other, and with gas prices and full time jobs it’s not as easy as ‘Come over and see me!’

And I know this.

I really, really need to start breathing and avoiding the clingy nature I grew accustomed to in the past few months of insane business.

BREATHE!

Breathe, self.

Breathe, other girls.

Because you know you’ve done this. Or started doing it. Or narrowly avoided doing it. Or are an amazing person I envy who didn’t get anywhere near it…

 

Help? Any supporting advice on how to change that insane clinging feeling I get? And how to help my marriage clock in my female mind to remember I’m not ready to get married yet?

Because I love this man way too much to hurt him that way. And it hurt me too. And I figured it out (hey, anxiety attacks apparently are good for something!) before it got too far. Neither of us really realized what happened until it hurt started to hurt.

She’s Back!

I mean the title in countless ways. I am back. In all ways, shapes, and forms. I’ve grown a lot since I started this blog, and a lot even since my last post.

A lot.

I’m not going to go into any of that. Let’s go into a quick update so people who actually read this don’t get too terribly confused.

I’m a dog groomer now!

Surprise?

Yes, I am a full blown dog groomer now. I graduated school for it on the 1st. I’m still an author, and still write every waking moment. But I also groom dogs, get bit by dogs, and pick dog hair out of my fingers for a living. It’s quite thrilling, really.

Since the last post a put up, I moved in with my mother, brought my black cat (Sophie) with me,

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got a dog (April),

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Went to Colorado,

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Fixed things with the love of my life,

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And became much happier with myself and the direction my life is taking me. 

 

Now, hopefully I will be returning more often. Especially with Nanowrimo in full swing. I apologize for being gone for so long, but trust me; you didn’t want to be here for all of that. I promise.

Reading Escape

I’ve had the toughest month of my life. And even this week beat that month. Bad enough that I ended up going out to some random person’s field and crying to their horse. Granted, the horse likes no one else but me now, but it’s still a pathetic story. I’ve never prayed so much as in this past week. I’ve never eaten so little as this week. (A person my size shouldn’t have to look and see the section of my ribs protruding. There’s not individual ribs yet, just the entire thing as a whole. But it scared the crap out of me. Food… stay in my belly…) I haven’t felt as hopeless as this past week. 

I’ve taken up reading as my escape. Granted, I already read a lot. At least a pretty decent amount for a girl with a boyfriend, a job, and (sadly) Netflix. Now, however, I’ve finished two books this week. That’s a pretty big increase considering before it was about one every few months when I found time.

Reading is a pretty good escape, and the only thing that works right now. Other than sitting on the floor and trying to meditate by saying the word ‘hummus’ over and over and over again. That meditating attempt only works 1/10 times. There seriously can’t be anything else going on, or I think between hummuses.

See, part of my problem right now is that I don’t feel right. My anxiety is at a maximum level, and I do my best not to think. At all. And the only way I know how to do that is to read. Writing works once I get into it, but I haven’t even been able to get a sentence down before my brain disintegrates. After all, you have to think to write. At least that first sentence. Then it’s usually down hill from there.

I want to write. It’s just hard.

Do you all have any suggestions? On anything? At all? I realize these last few posts aren’t like my normal ones, but there’s seriously nothing else floating in my poor brain.

First Love

We all have heard those stories of a first love. The ones about the lover who got away but are never forgotten. We also have heard the happier stories. You know, the ones where they marry at 16 and surprisingly (at least we think) last until they die at a ripe old age of 96. Or something like that.

My question is, why do we have such things against a first love lasting forever? I understand it is different if they are 13 and falling in ‘love’ after a day. That’s a bit different. What I mean is when you know you’re in love. When you would do anything for that person. And I mean anything. You’d even die for them if the occasion arose. You’d even give up everything you owned in a heartbeat and live on the side of the road for them. It sounds drastic, but that’s the feeling deep down inside.

But, if you see someone in love for the first time, you automatically say it’s just a fluke. It’s guaranteed not to last. It’s bound disintegrate. Not necessarily because the couple isn’t right for each other, but because everyone says it’s not meant to be.

Why?

Because it’s the first love.

The question from this 19-year-old is this: What is so wrong with being with the one you love? The first one you love. Why do people get in the faces of the young adults and say it’s impossible because it’s only the first time they’ve been in love. They don’t deny it’s love. They just don’t believe in the fairy tale and I don’t understand why.

 

I’m sorry for my wishy washy post. One day I’ll get back to doing normal ones. But this has just been on my mind lately. Really, if a person is truly in love, why does everyone say it will never last.  Most of the stories of this I have heard, they lost their love because of what everyone said or because of having to relocate. But no one ever supported them and gave them the power to survive through it.